Please Don't Blame Yourself
by tarte
Summary: Post CoLS: Many phone calls are meaningless, when there's only one voice you wish to hear. But some phone calls can mean everything, even when they're not from that one person. But sometimes, even then, it's too late.


Alternate Summary: Post CoLS: 1 Phone call isn't always enough to change your mind. Then again, sometimes it is. Then again, sometimes when that happens, it's already too late.

Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own The Mortal Instruments. Sadly, I'm not CC either. They all belong to her.

A/N: Another Depressing Malec fic, Hooray. Call it book therapy. I guess it's Malec, but only sort of. If you're looking for fluff, this ain't it.

Far from perfect, but I feel I'm improving - Learning. Reviews are heavenly. Seriously. Every time I get one it's like Christmas in July.

Warnings: Again, Incoherency. My writing is fragmented and confusing and may not make sense at times. (It makes less sense and more sense with the Italics, if that makes sense, but that's just how I write.) I possibly swear once or twice, but nothing more than the books.

Pretty depressing too.

I hope you like it.

* * *

Please Don't Blame Yourself

* * *

He kept it off for days – more than a week, really. A week of self-pity and self-disgust. A week taking no calls.

A week of cutting off any way of which he might hear that voice again.

A week of hearing it in his mind and dreams anyway.

However, when one is High Warlock, one cannot ignore everyone forever – _forever, what a terrible thought_ – And the people he tended to work with got cranky when they were ignored. He didn't care, really, they could go find someone else to make their spells for them, but he might have missed some piece of information he'd actually care about.

_Unlikely, because there was only one person to care about, as much as he didn't want to._

_And he cut that person out of his life, if not his mind or heart._

* * *

So, after much half-hearted deliberation, it comes to be time to turn the Dreaded Mobile Device back on. And listen to all 143 messages. He doesn't even know how he can hold that many. The perks of being a warlock are sometimes annoying.

Sighing a bit, he presses play.

* * *

"_Bane, we've got a problem – Can you deal with –"_

"_Magnus Bane? Do you make love poti-"_

"_Bane! Those werewolves are in our territory agai-"_

"_Hey, party this Friday! You-"_

"_Magnus, what's going on? We-"_

Delete.

Magnus goes through 60 or so of these, half listening. He actually almost misses the sound of some voices. Others, he wishes would just leave him alone. Some are business calls – _Not your pet warlock anymore – _Some are invitations, as no one uses the classic method of actually sending an invite on paper anymore. Some are annoyed with him, which isn't anything new. And although no one really should have heard of his break up, they hadn't failed to notice his dropping off the map, and a few are actually concerned. He listens to one from Tessa the whole way through, "_Magnus, please talk to me, what's going on right now? No one's heard from you in a while and you haven't answered anyone, are you alright? Please call me back, I want to know what's going on – and help you if I can._" and debates calling her for a moment, before deleting it with the rest.

There's nothing she could do.

He'll never really get used to sympathy. He never got it much in the past. _The past, why does the past have to matter? _Some people, like Tessa, who he can actually count on as close friends, seem genuinely worried. They ask him to talk to him, they ask him what's going on, they tell him _Magnus Bane you better answer your phone right now and tell us what the hell is happening with you or we will break down your apartment door _but for some of them that's how they say they're concerned for him and he's not that concerned by the notion of them doing that. Immortals know what it's like to live forever; they all have secrets in their past. They know to leave him alone when he needs to be.

_He doesn't want to be alone though, he wants to be with the one person who –_

They implore him not to do anything stupid. Not a problem, as all he's done is eat a little and sleep a little and stare up at the ceiling. Thinking that over, he admits that is rather stupid. Ah, well.

* * *

They all mean well, well, at least those callers do, and he's grateful, but he can't bring himself to care all that much.

He makes it through another 10 – _We need you to Hey do you want to What's going on with you _– He drinks them all in, part desperate for a bit of comfort and distraction, part annoyed with every syllable he hears, part detached from it all. Soon he stops paying attention, the voices through the speaker blur together and fade out, and he again hears a different voice in his head,

_Magnus,_ _Give me another chance, I love you –_

Then he's jolted back to reality at the sound of a voice he never thought he'd hear again.

* * *

But it's not Alec. It's Isabelle.

And with the first syllable he knows something's wrong.

* * *

_Magnus?_

_We – we haven't been able to reach you for days. Al-Alec told us- a few days ago- that you had broken up with him._

_Well, that doesn't matter much anymore._

_He thought that you wouldn't want anything to do with him anymore, and maybe he's right, but I saw the way you two looked at each other and I know there must be more to the story. I know you loved him. It was clear to see. And, if what happened – hadn't happened – well, Jace and I would come knocking on your door, I guarantee it._

_It just doesn't matter anymore._

_He- he was so upset, Magnus. My god, if you had seen him –_

_But that doesn't matter anymore._

_Magnus - Alec's dead._

* * *

_A couple days after, after you first broke up, we – well, he was a mess. We were going to barge in on you shouting any moment, but we were too busy just staying with him, making sure he was alright, making sure he wouldn't do anything stupid. Well, he wasn't alright. And he did manage to do something stupid._

_We were stupid too. We took him out hunting – we thought it would be good for him, good for him to get out and start living again, well – killing counts as living when you're a shadowhunter. But – but – his heart wasn't into it._

_And he didn't move in time._

* * *

_Please, don't blame yourself. It wasn't your fault. If anything, anyone's, it was ours – and now I've lost two brothers – and god, he was so sad, so miserable, bitter, he hated himself so much –_

_Does that matter anymore?_

_You loved him, I know you did, and I – I think you still love him now – and you needed to know, you needed to – Oh god, Magnus, I can't do this, I –_

_He loved you._

_And that still matters._

_You never officially became my brother-in-law – hell, I don't know if it would have ever worked out, but it doesn't matte- it would have happened in the end. But just know that, even if you don't want anything to do with us anymore, that's how I think of you. Alec- Alec told us – we never thought of you as a pet warlock, Magnus. You are our friend. You are the best thing that ever happened to my brother and thank you. Thank you so much._

_Thank you for loving him._

* * *

She sounds so broken.

She sounds like Alec did when he broke up with him.

And it hurt when he broke up with him; every day since then, an underlying pain, always there –

Now it hurts even more. It goddamn _hurts._

_Alec's dead. Alec's dead._

_I do blame myself._

_Because I made him hurt like this._

* * *

He drops the phone, falls to the floor, and closes his eyes.

* * *

_I love you, Alec._

_I'm so, so, sorry._


End file.
